The Doc With No Name
by GoodyAce
Summary: Elaine dates a "brain-less" surgeon. Jerry dates a "lap-sitter" and finds he has lost his comedic touch. Kramer coaches Mickey's basketball team for midgets. George meets a worse person than him, and "Can't-stand-it."


Seinfeld  
  
Episode 181  
  
The Doc With No Name  
  
Written By David Adler

GEORGE  
  
Let me ask you something.  
  
JERRY  
  
Go ahead.  
  
GEORGE  
  
What exactly is bologna? (Pronounced Ba-lone-E)  
  
JERRY  
  
I don't really know. I'll tell you something though; that lunchmeat scene is a wild place. All kinds of meats coming together, trying new things. Salami's with Pastrami, Chicken's with Corned Beef. The deli's like a swingers club for cold cuts. It kind of freaks me out.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Isn't there a place called Bologna?  
  
JERRY  
  
Yeah. Next to, uh, Turkey.  
  
GEORGE  
  
And they pronounce it Bologna?  
  
JERRY  
  
Yeah.  
  
GEORGE  
  
So what's the difference?  
  
JERRY  
  
I think it's the ham.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Why do things have to be so complicated? Why can't they just come right out and tell you what you're eating?  
  
JERRY  
  
(Blows his nose and throws away the Kleenex)

GEORGE

What are you doing?

JERRY

What? I'm blowing my nose.

GEORGE

So what, one blow and that's it? Garbage. Don't you have pockets?

JERRY

Why do I even talk to you?

GEORGE  
  
So what are you doing this weekend?  
  
JERRY  
  
I've got Gorman's wedding. Aren't you invited?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Yeah. I don't know if I'm gonna go though.  
  
JERRY  
  
You've got to go. You're my man there. I don't know any of those people. What am I going to do the whole time? Who am I going to talk to?  
  
GEORGE  
  
You'll circulate.  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, I can't circulate. I'm no good at circulating. It's the small-talk, I just never mastered it. I mean I know sports, but that's about it. If the conversation isn't about how the Mets played, I'm done!  
  
GEORGE  
  
It's tough to feign interest. You've got to be really focussed on not listening to what the other person is saying. It requires a tremendous amount of concentration. Almost as much as actually having an adult conversation.  
  
JERRY  
  
Yeah, but you do it.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Hey, I feign with the best of them. But it took years of hard work and bad manners.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well you've got to go.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You know, I really hate going places. I realized that today. Seeing all those people I know. That really doesn't interest me. I don't want to talk to them. Why do they want to talk to me?  
  
JERRY  
  
Desperation.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Everyone always wants to know what you do. "So, what do you do?" I DO. That's what I do. Wait a second! You've got Kramer. Kramer's going to be there! There's your man. Kramer.  
  
JERRY  
  
I don't know. Kramer at parties is like a different person. He's chatting it up with everyone. He's like a dilettante.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You know... I'm taking my... mother?  
  
JERRY  
  
Your mother? Why?  
  
GEORGE  
  
My father hurt his back salsa dancing. He can't get out of bed. My parents are good friends with the Gormans. They bowl together.  
  
JERRY  
  
So what are you going to do?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I guess I'll go.  
  
JERRY  
  
Thank you. I owe you one.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Alright. But I'm collecting this time. It's not like that funeral you dragged me to. It rained the whole time. My socks got wet. It ruined my whole day.  
  
So you never answered me, what are you doing this weekend?  
  
JERRY  
  
I told you...  
  
GEORGE  
  
Besides the wedding.  
  
JERRY  
  
I don't know. I think I'm going to go and buy some new shoes.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Why, your old ones broke?  
  
JERRY  
  
I don't think they have any moving parts.  
  
GEORGE  
  
So what am I supposed to say? Did they rip?  
  
JERRY  
  
Do they have to be absolutely in tatters before I can buy a new pair?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Jerry, I've had these shoes for the past 20 years. You've got to be loyal. You find something, and stick with it.  
  
JERRY  
  
Really. How has that worked out for you?

Kramer Enters

KRAMER  
  
Jerry, where do you keep your whistles?  
  
JERRY  
  
In the fridge. Next to the milk.  
  
KRAMER  
  
In the fridge?  
  
GEORGE  
  
What do you need a whistle for?  
  
KRAMER  
  
I'm coaching Mickey's basketball team. You know our first game is today.

GEORGE  
  
Mickey? The little guy?  
  
JERRY  
  
Little guy? Aren't you supposed to call them midgets?  
  
GEORGE  
  
So what's a dwarf?JERRY  
  
To tell you the truth, I'm not really an expert on the subject.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Jerry, there aren't any whistles in here.  
  
JERRY  
  
Really, I just picked up a case last week.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Alright, I've got to get going. You don't have any shorts do you?  
  
JERRY  
  
Not for you.  
  
KRAMER  
  
OK. But I'm taking the milk.

Kramer Exits

GEORGE  
  
I thought the whole point of the game was to get as close to the basket as possible.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well what do you want them to do, wear stilts?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Hey, I'm just saying.  
  
JERRY  
  
Shouldn't you be at work?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I called in sick this morning. I said I had the measles.  
  
JERRY  
  
Measles? Couldn't you think of anything better than that?  
  
GEORGE  
  
No, Jerry. The measles are perfect. I go in Monday and, hey, it was just a rash.  
  
JERRY  
  
How do you still have a job?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I know where to draw the line. I can go right up to that thing, put one foot over, and drag myself back. I'm like a tightrope walker.

JERRY  
  
A tightrope walker? You're just a liar. How much of what you say over the course of any given day is made up?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Whatever I think I can get away with.  
  
JERRY  
  
Aren't you afraid that someone's going to find out?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Look at me. My fiance died licking poison envelopes. Do your worst.  
  
JERRY  
  
Alright, I'm just saying.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You don't think I can go a day  
  
without lying? You don't think I can, do you?  
  
JERRY  
  
You're lying right now, aren't you?  
  
GEORGE  
  
No. Alright! What good is truth? What has the truth ever accomplished? Wars are fought over the truth.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well, you don't have to lie about everything.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You want me to start telling the truth, Jerry? Cause I'll start telling the truth.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well, I don't know if I want.  
  
GEORGE  
  
OK! OK! So you're betting me that I can't go a day without lying?  
  
JERRY  
  
Didn't I see this in a movie?  
  
GEORGE  
  
You're not betting me that I can't go a day without lying! You're not betting me that? Cause I'll do it Jerry. I'll tell the truth. Oh, that's it, the bet is on.  
  
JERRY  
  
Did I miss something. Where are you going?  
  
GEORGE  
  
To the washroom. I had three oranges for breakfast. Are you happy?  
  
JERRY  
  
Yes. I am.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Oh!

Elaine Enters

JERRY  
  
Hey! How about a knock?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Really? Are you serious?  
  
JERRY  
  
No.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Hey, is my date here yet?  
  
JERRY  
  
You're bringing your dates here now. What is it, the new menus?  
  
ELAINE  
  
We're just meeting, then we're going to the opera.  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, the opera. I didn't know they had matinees.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Well they do. And I'm going.

George Returns

JERRY  
  
So who is bachelor 24601?  
  
ELAINE  
  
I met him at the grocery store. In the produce section.  
  
JERRY  
  
Ah, the produce section. The erogenous zone of the supermarket.  
  
ELAINE  
  
He was checking out the cantaloupes. I helped him pick a good one.  
  
JERRY  
  
What, did you knock on it?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Knock on it? You're supposed to roll it. If it goes left, it's good.  
  
JERRY  
  
Right. That's what you want to be doing, putting the fruit on the floor.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Anyway, he's a doctor.  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, a doctor. Congratulations.  
  
GEORGE  
  
He's not a podiatrist is he? You know, I got in to podiatry school.  
  
ELAINE  
  
No, he's a neurosurgeon.  
  
JERRY  
  
You mean he's a brain surgeon?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Yeah.  
  
JERRY  
  
Do you know what this means?  
  
ELAINE  
  
No, what?  
  
JERRY  
  
He's a brain surgeon. You know when  
  
people say, "oh, you don't have to be a brain surgeon," he can tell them he is.  
  
GEORGE  
  
It's like going to Harvard.  
  
JERRY  
  
Exactly. Or being a rocket scientist.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Well, that doesn't matter to me. I'm not superficial.

Buzzer Sounds

THE DR  
  
Hi, it's Dr. Watson.  
  
JERRY  
  
Come on up. (To Elaine) Dr. Watson!  
  
ELAINE  
  
Yeah, just like Sherlock Holmes.  
  
JERRY  
  
Watson AND a brain surgeon. Well it's elementary Elaine my dear, you might have hit the jackpot.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Hey, how do you pick a good bottle of wine? I was never good at these kind of things.  
  
JERRY  
  
I think you just look for the most expensive one.  
  
ELAINE  
  
No, no. You've got to look at the year. 1996. That's a good year.  
  
JERRY  
  
Didn't you get your tonsils out in 1996?

Doctor Enters

THE DR  
  
Hello.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Jerry, this is Michael. The brain surgeon.  
  
JERRY  
  
Hi. Hey, Mike, let me ask you something; how do you pick a good bottle of wine?

THE DR  
  
Doctor.  
  
JERRY  
  
Sorry?  
  
THE DR  
  
It's Doctor. You said "Mike."  
  
JERRY  
  
Well isn't that your name?  
  
THE DR  
  
Yes. But I did graduate from medical school.  
  
JERRY  
  
So everyone calls you doctor?  
  
THE DR  
  
Everyone calls me doctor.  
  
JERRY  
  
What about your parents?  
  
THE DR  
  
They call me doctor.  
  
JERRY  
  
Your parents call you doctor?  
  
THE DR  
  
That's right.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I just remembered I've got to go. I'm having my tires rotated. They really hate it when you're late.

George Exits

JERRY  
  
Well, sorry I guess. So Elaine tells me you're a brain surgeon.  
  
THE DR  
  
Yes I am.  
  
JERRY  
  
And you went to Harvard?  
  
THE DR  
  
Yes I did. Great school. Lots of ivy.  
  
JERRY  
  
Do you find that people expect more from you since you went to Harvard? I mean, if you're in the room and Jeopardy comes on, do they expect you to win?

THE DR  
  
Elaine I think we should go. We're going to miss the curtain.  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, you don't want to miss the curtain. All that velvet.  
  
THE DR  
  
(Doesn't say goodbye, but looks at Jerry)

SCENE 2- ON THE STREET  
  
GEORGE  
  
So he gave you the brush-off?  
  
JERRY  
  
The old cold shoulder. No hello OR goodbye!

GEORGE  
  
Doctor! Who does he think he is? I hate doctors. Alright, you're a doctor. So what? People with titles really bother me. When did we start calling people by their profession? Hey, there's garbageman Joe. Hey, look. It's butcher Andy. Hello butcher. Lovely weather we're getting.  
  
JERRY  
  
He kept on giving me one word answers to everything I said. It was really annoying.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well he's a doctor. They've got to get to the point. You don't want the whole story, to be in that little room all day. Positive or negative, that's their focus.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well I'll tell you one thing. I will never call that guy doctor.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Hey, I didn't even say hello to him.  
  
JERRY  
  
I noticed that. What's going on?  
  
GEORGE  
  
It's a new thing. No respect for anyone. If I don't like it, I'm not doing it.  
  
JERRY  
  
Really? Well you don't respect yourself, why anyone else?  
  
GEORGE  
  
For my whole life I've wanted to flaunt social customs. Yesterday I realized, why not?  
  
JERRY  
  
So Blondin, you're off the tightrope.  
  
GEORGE  
  
For now. I don't want to make any commitments. I can see this whole thing backfiring.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well, flaunt away. So where are we going?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I've got to buy shampoo.  
  
JERRY  
  
You've got to buy shampoo?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Yeah!  
  
JERRY  
  
What do you go through, a bottle a decade?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Hey, I've got hair.  
  
JERRY  
  
You know they sell shampoo in the city? You didn't have to make me drive you all the way out to Queens.  
  
GEORGE  
  
This is the only place that sells the kind I like. It has vitamins and minerals... or something.  
  
JERRY  
  
Your hair is quite satiny.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Hey, do you see that guy?  
  
JERRY  
  
Who?  
  
GEORGE  
  
The guy over there in front of the drug store.  
  
JERRY  
  
With the neon pants?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Yeah. He looks familiar.  
  
JERRY  
  
I don't know him. The neon is a nice touch though.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I hate seeing people I know. Lets turn around. C'mon.  
  
JERRY  
  
What? It took 45 minutes to get here. You're gonna go all the way back just to avoid this guy?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I'll do anything to avoid people. I'm not a people-person.  
  
JERRY  
  
No, you're more of an insane person.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Oh my God. He's looking over here.  
  
Look the other way!  
  
JERRY  
  
It's too late. He sees us.  
  
LARRY  
  
George?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Larry?  
  
LARRY  
  
It's been a long time.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Yes it has. Yes it has.  
  
LARRY  
  
Why are you repeating yourself? I heard you the first time.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Oh. Sorry.  
  
LARRY  
  
Who's this?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Jerry. Seinfeld.  
  
JERRY  
  
Hi.  
  
GEORGE  
  
He's a friend of Gorman's actually. Jerry, this is Gorman's brother, Larry.  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, Larry! Hi Larry. (Puts emphasis on "Larry" to show how calling people by their name is acceptable)  
  
LARRY  
  
You gonna be at the wedding?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Yeah, actually we both are.  
  
LARRY  
  
What are you doing down here, buying a present? You know they registered? You know what I bought them? Huh. A crock pot. I don't even know what you do with those things. Make potatoes.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Ha ha. Well, I'm just getting some shampoo.  
  
LARRY  
  
For what?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Ha ha ha. Funny guy right here.  
  
LARRY  
  
George, I haven't seen you in a long time. We'll have dinner tonight. Me and you.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Hey, I'd love to, but...  
  
LARRY  
  
Mendy's. 8. It's in the city. You ever been to Mendy's Jerry?  
  
JERRY  
  
No, but I hear their soup is excellent.  
  
LARRY  
  
So George, I'll see you there?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Alright.

Larry Exits  
  
JERRY  
  
What happened to the flaunting?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Alright! I lied.  
  
JERRY  
  
I knew it.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Ugggh. I hate that guy.  
  
JERRY  
  
That was Gorman's brother? He kind  
  
of looks like you.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Don't say that. You know this guy has been giving me fits. I keep hearing these stories about him, how bad off he is. You know when I was growing up, my parents used to tell people "at least he's not like Larry." I just spoke to my cousin and she was going on and on about this guy. He's a jerk, he's a loser, he's garbage. I've got news for her, no one is a bigger loser than me.  
  
JERRY  
  
If anyone is a disappointment, it's you.  
  
GEORGE  
  
That guy thinks he can go around with that sob story, telling everyone his luck couldn't get any worse. My luck couldn't get any worse. Who does he think he is? You know tonight, I'm gonna set him straight.  
  
JERRY  
  
Or scare him straight.  
  
GEORGE  
  
If this guy thinks he's so pathetic he's going to have to prove it. I'm not going gently into that good night my friend. Besides, I think he might be pulling a Gary Fogel.  
  
JERRY  
  
What, he pretended to have cancer?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Maybe. He lost his hair, but I think he just went bald. I was looking through some old pictures and I could see scalp. And if it was cancer how bad could it have been? He lived didn't he?  
  
JERRY  
  
So you're going to go out for dinner with this guy and accuse him of misrepresenting a potentially fatal disease?  
  
GEORGE  
  
He's telling people his wife left him. You know it's till death do us part. Not till I fake a life-threatening illness.  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, you'll never go through with it. It's too dangerous. What if he's telling the truth?  
  
GEORGE  
  
What have I got to lose?  
  
JERRY  
  
Nothing. You've got nothing.

SCENE 3 - THE COFFEE SHOP  
  
ELAINE  
  
Hey, how are you getting to   
  
Gorman's wedding this weekend?  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm driving.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Can you give me a lift? I was going to ask George...  
  
JERRY  
  
No! Don't tell George you're invited. If he knows you're going he won't come.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Don't tell me he's washing his hair.  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, he wasn't going to go, but I told him I needed someone there to talk to. He really hates Gorman.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Why? He's such a nice guy.  
  
JERRY  
George?

ELAINE

No! Gorman.

JERRY

He's crazy.  
  
ELAINE  
  
What? But he's so nice.  
  
JERRY  
  
I know. You can be crazy-nice.  
  
ELAINE  
  
I thought there were only, you  
  
know, crazy, crazy.  
  
JERRY  
  
Why can't there be crazy people who  
  
are so good it's crazy. Like look  
  
at that guy, he's helping that old  
  
woman across the street. Now that  
  
guy is crazy. Why do all crazy  
  
people have to be maniacs?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Like obsessive compulsive disorder.  
  
What if someone with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder had to donate money to charity like 10 times.  
  
JERRY  
  
Exactly.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Aren't you going to ask Sheila to go?  
  
JERRY  
  
I don't know. I think the relationship has kind of stalled.  
  
ELAINE  
  
How so?  
  
JERRY  
  
Well we were driving along, passed first gear, shifted into 3rd, then on the straightaway we went right into neutral.  
  
ELAINE  
  
I have no idea what you're talking about.  
  
JERRY  
  
She's a tease. Going on a date with her is like a sexual crash test. And you don't know what this woman did to George. I think she traumatized him for life.  
  
ELAINE  
  
What did she do?  
  
JERRY  
  
She sat on his lap once in high-school and he never got over it. It's like that scene in Citizen Kane where the guy's talking about the girl with the white parasol. He thinks about it every day. Why me? Why did she have to sit on my lap?  
  
ELAINE  
  
I've sat on a guy's lap before. I didn't know it was such a big deal.  
  
JERRY  
  
Elaine, any time that any part of woman comes in contact with IT, it's a big deal.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Really?  
  
JERRY  
  
I thought that was pretty obvious.  
  
ELAINE  
  
But it's not direct contact.  
  
JERRY  
  
It doesn't matter. It's a thin layer of cloth. You think that makes a difference? A pretty girl bumps into me on the street and I'm whistling Dixie all the live-long-day.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Well you really are quite the sophistique.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well... So what were you asking me about? A ride? Why don't you go with the good doctor?  
  
ELAINE  
  
He doesn't have a car.  
  
JERRY  
  
Can't afford one, eh?  
  
ELAINE  
  
He likes to walk. Says it's good for the brain.  
  
JERRY  
  
You don't hear too much about the brain these days. Like look at me. I'm so health conscious, but I never give my brain a second thought. It's pretty important to me, but it goes unnoticed.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Almost like it's not even there.

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT  
  
Conversation continues as they enter  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm telling you one thing, I can't  
  
wait for the speeches.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Oh, I hate the speeches. The speeches are the worst. Blah, blah, blah, happiness, love, together forever. Blechh.

Toilet flushes and George exits the bathroom.

JERRY  
  
Oranges?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Bran muffin.  
  
JERRY  
  
Anyway, you've never heard a Gorman speech.  
  
GEORGE  
  
What, you're talking about wedding speeches?  
  
JERRY  
  
Yeah.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Did you tell her about Gorman? Oh boy.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Why, what makes a Gorman speech so different from anyone else's?  
  
JERRY  
  
This guy is the worst public speaker. You know how your parents were always telling you to think before you speak? Well he doesn't think before, during, or after.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Remember Andy Fine's engagement party?  
  
JERRY  
  
That was bad.  
  
ELAINE  
  
What did he say?  
  
JERRY  
  
I don't even know if I can get the memory back. I've done so much to block it out. There are boxes of hangers piled on this thing.  
  
ELAINE  
  
I'm sure it couldn't have been so bad.  
  
JERRY  
  
George?  
  
GEORGE  
  
It was bad.  
  
JERRY  
  
You don't understand. This wasn't  
  
just bad. People had to leave the room.  
  
GEORGE  
  
One guy passed out.  
  
ELAINE  
  
So what did he say?  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, you know. All that stuff you say behind their back that you never want the person to hear. Like it'll never last. She could have done better.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Don't forget the shower.  
  
ELAINE  
  
What about the shower? The wedding shower?  
  
JERRY  
  
The shower. In the locker room. Certain observations he had made.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I keep my eyes closed in there. I'm like a mob hitman. I didn't see nothing.  
  
ELAINE  
  
That is bad.  
  
GEORGE  
  
He took the behind the back, and reversed it. Even I wouldn't do that.  
  
JERRY  
  
You can't reverse behind the back. Then it's face to face.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I can't do face-to-face.  
  
JERRY  
  
Who can?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Well, I mean I've heard bad toasts  
  
before. Were there profanities?  
  
JERRY  
  
It was like a David Mamet play.  
  
At one point there was even nudity.  
  
ELAINE  
  
And he's giving the toast.  
  
JERRY  
  
Yeah, I don't understand it.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Well, I guess I'll go.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Wait a second, Elaine's going.  
  
JERRY  
  
Umm, yeah.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Oh, this is just great. You really SUCKERED me into this one.  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh come on. What else did you have to do?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Are you trying to make this a question of convenience? I never have anything better to do. Why aren't I down at the hospital working with sick children? Because I'm a jerk, that's why.  
  
ELAINE  
  
So George, who are you taking?  
  
JERRY  
  
He's going with his...  
  
GEORGE  
  
Jerry...  
  
JERRY  
  
Mother.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Your mother.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Alright. Alright. My father can't go because of his back. It's not like I'm dating her.

SCENE- BASKETBALL GAME  
  
(All the players are midgets)  
  
RALPH  
  
It's my ankle, I can't play.  
  
MICKEY  
  
Well we've only got 4 guys. We  
  
can't play with 4 guys. We're gonna  
  
have to forfeit.  
  
KRAMER  
  
No you're not. No, I don't forfeit.   
  
MICKEY  
  
Well what are we supposed to do?  
  
KRAMER  
  
I'm coming in.  
  
MICKEY  
  
You can't go in.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Why not?  
  
MICKEY  
  
You're too tall.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well, we'll see about that.

(Montage of Kramer playing B-Ball against midgets. Blocking shots etc.)

SCENE - JERRY'S CAR

(Sheila is reaching into Jerry's pocket.)  
  
JERRY  
  
What are you doing?  
  
SHEILA  
  
I'm getting some gum.  
  
JERRY  
  
From my pocket?  
  
SHEILA  
  
Isn't that OK.  
  
JERRY  
  
Yeah, sure, it's OK.  
  
SHEILA  
  
I love this gum.  
  
JERRY  
  
You know it's French.  
  
SHEILA  
  
Really?  
  
JERRY  
  
No, I'm just kidding.  
  
SHEILA  
  
Oh.  
  
JERRY  
  
Hey, what does "original" taste like.  
  
SHEILA  
  
What are you talking about?  
  
JERRY  
  
You know, like gum. There's real flavours like cherry and wintergreen, and then there's original. What is the "original" taste.  
  
SHEILA  
  
I don't know. Gum I guess.  
  
JERRY  
  
So you're saying that the word  
  
"original" is a flavour?  
  
SHEILA  
  
Colours can be flavours.  
  
JERRY  
  
I know. Red. Now there's a good  
  
flavour.  
  
SHEILA  
  
What flavour's orange?  
  
JERRY  
  
I don't know.

SCENE - MENDY'S  
  
LARRY  
  
So after the cancer I moved back in with my parents. You know, I had lost my job and my wife had left me. Then my parents kicked me out. Turns out they didn't like the way I did the dishes. I didn't rinse them before I put them in the machine. I said that's what it's for ma. It's a dishwasher. What's the point of having a dishwasher if you've got to wash the dishes first. Then you don't even need the thing! Can you believe that? I was out in the street.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You had cancer, you were unemployed, your wife left you, and your parents kicked you out of the house?  
  
LARRY  
  
The battery on my watch. It died.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well, that's one hell of a story. Any of it true?  
  
LARRY  
  
What are you talking about?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Larry, I caught you. It's OK, sometimes it happens to me. You had a misstep. It's alright, I won't hold it against you.  
  
LARRY  
  
You really are an idiot aren't you?  
  
GEORGE  
  
What, you're actually telling the truth?  
  
LARRY  
  
Of course I am.  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Flustered) Well, I had a really bad cold last week. For a few days I thought it could have been serious.  
  
LARRY  
  
You're comparing your cold to my  
  
cancer? I lost all my hair.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Hey. (Points to head)  
  
LARRY  
  
I could have died.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I walk down the street. Bam, I'm  
  
hit by a car. I'm out there every  
  
day taking a chance. You're lying  
  
on a bed somewhere.  
  
LARRY  
  
This is crazy.  
  
GEORGE  
  
That's right.

Waiter enters

WAITER  
  
Here's your soup sir.  
  
George looks flustered, but doesn't say anything.

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT  
  
JERRY  
  
So he wasn't too happy with your  
  
experiment?  
  
GEORGE  
  
No, he was quite offended.  
  
JERRY  
  
Really? I never would have thought  
  
that. Usually people take kindly to that sort of thing.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Jerry, this guy is killing me. For all these years I've based my life on being the absolute most pathetic person I know. Now he's taken that from me. And his parents are really close with my parents. He used to be over at the house all the time. He knows all my friends. The word is going to get out and then where will I be?  
  
JERRY  
  
I wouldn't worry about it too much.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I'm nothing Jerry. Nothing. People  
  
used to look at me and say, that  
  
guy's pathetic. That guy's a loser.  
  
Now what are they going to say?  
  
I've got to do something.  
  
JERRY  
  
So he's short, stocky, bald, AND he  
  
had cancer?  
  
GEORGE  
  
He's unmarried, unemployed, and  
  
unattractive. He's got it all!  
  
JERRY  
  
And you?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well...  
  
JERRY  
  
Hey, two-out-of-three ain't bad.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Meatloaf!  
  
JERRY  
  
What do your parents think about  
  
him?  
  
GEORGE  
  
They hate him.  
  
JERRY  
  
They hate him, yet they tolerate  
  
you.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Why can't they tolerate him and  
  
hate me?

JERRY  
  
That's the question.  
  
GEORGE  
  
So how are things going between you  
  
and Sheila?  
  
JERRY  
  
Pretty good.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Any. You know?  
  
JERRY  
  
No not yet.   
  
GEORGE  
  
She didn't sit in your lap, did she?

JERRY

Well...

GEORGE

Jerry, I'm telling you.

JERRY

But I'm sensing a breakthrough.

GEORGE

Why? Did she say something.

JERRY

No, but I'm picking things up.

GEORGE

Like what? What's more of a sign than a lap sit? That's almost direct contact.  
  
JERRY  
  
You know, the little signals here and there. Like today I was driving her back to her place and she asked if I had any gum. It was in my pocket so she reached in and got it herself.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Physical contact.  
  
JERRY  
  
Yes. Quite physical.  
  
GEORGE  
  
So you think you're in.  
  
JERRY  
  
The road has been paved. But the clutch is jammed.

GEORGE

Enough with the gear references, OK. I don't even know how to drive standard.

JERRY

It's like she's blissfully unaware. I'll tell you one thing, you don't put your hand in someone's pocket unless you mean it.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Yeah, right. So did she mention me?  
  
JERRY  
  
No.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Did you bring up my name?  
  
JERRY  
  
Why would I?

GEORGE  
  
Cause I knew her too.  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh yeah. I'll just ask her if she remembers the guy who walked past her that time.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Hey, she sat on my lap. Biology class Jerry!  
  
JERRY  
  
You're still on this?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well it was very confusing. You  
  
don't just sit on someone's lap.  
  
JERRY

That was twenty years ago.

GEORGE

Oh. So that makes it alright?

JERRY  
  
We had this conversation  
  
already. I agreed with you.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I'd just like some closure. Is that  
  
too much to ask?  
  
JERRY  
  
You've got a lot of loose ends,  
  
don't you?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Nothing's tied up, Jerry. Nothing!

Kramer Enters

JERRY  
  
Hey, what happened to you?

KRAMER  
  
They fouled me.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Who?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Mickey's friends. They hacked into  
  
me like I was a Christmas goose.  
  
JERRY  
  
What are you talking about, I  
  
thought you were the coach?  
  
KRAMER  
  
I was, but then one of the guys got  
  
hurt so I took his place.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You played against midgets? You're like seven feet tall.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Anyway it was late in the game and  
  
we were up by a basket.  
  
JERRY  
  
You were up by ONE basket?  
  
KRAMER  
  
They've got quick hands Jerry.  
  
They're all close to the ground.  
  
It's like dribbling through a  
  
croquet set.  
  
JERRY  
  
So.

KRAMER  
  
So there's a minute left in the game and we've got the ball. Mickey  
  
passes to me and I'm just about to go up for a lay up when I feel,  
  
smack, right on the back of my knee.  
  
JERRY  
  
So what happened.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well I shot the free throws and we  
  
got the ball back. I'm going up for  
  
another shot and bam! There goes my other knee.  
  
GEORGE  
  
So did you win.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Barely. I had to finish the game on  
  
all fours. I don't even know how I  
  
got up the stairs Jerry. I had to  
  
shower sitting down.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well this has all been very  
  
interesting, but I should be going.  
  
JERRY  
  
Gonna go for the trifecta, huh?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I'll think of something.  
  
JERRY  
  
Hey, what are you doing?  
  
KRAMER  
(Icing his knees with a bag of frozen peas)  
I'm icing my knees.  
  
JERRY  
  
You know I have ice.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Jerry, I don't know what I'm going  
  
to do tomorrow. I'm the best man, I  
  
don't think I can stand up.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well, I don't think it's necessary  
  
for you to be standing.  
  
KRAMER  
  
I have to walk down the aisle. What  
  
am I gonna do?  
  
JERRY  
  
Well, just call him and tell him to  
  
go to the backup.  
  
KRAMER  
  
You mean give up the ball?  
  
JERRY  
  
Well I don't think you have a  
  
choice.  
  
KRAMER  
  
I'm gonna think about that.

SCENE - THE COFFEE SHOP  
  
THE DR  
  
Elaine, is this right?  
  
ELAINE  
  
What?  
  
THE DR  
  
The bill.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Let me see. Two coffees, a big salad, and a turkey club. Yeah.  
  
THE DR  
  
Hmmm. What's 10% of twenty-dollars?  
  
ELAINE  
  
TWO dollars.  
  
THE DR  
  
Are you sure?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Yes, I'm sure.  
  
THE DR  
  
I don't know. Hey, 6 plus 5. That's not eleven is it?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Yes.  
  
(A guy walks past the table)  
  
THE DR  
  
Hey, Elaine do you know who that was.  
  
ELAINE  
  
No.  
  
THE DR  
  
That was Sammy Davis Jr.

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT  
  
JERRY  
  
So he's a brainless surgeon?  
  
ELAINE  
  
You're doing puns now?  
  
JERRY  
  
A pun can be a very effective  
  
source of humor.  
  
ELAINE  
  
You've got nothing.  
  
JERRY  
  
I know. I can't write anything. I  
  
spent four hours last night trying  
  
to come up with some new material.  
  
ELAINE  
  
What did you get?  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, nothing.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Is this it?  
  
JERRY  
  
Yeah, but it's awful.  
  
ELAINE  
  
What's the deal with doors? Can't they just make a decision already: push, or pull? What's the deal with doors?

I don't know, it's not that bad. I've always wondered about that. It seems so arbitrary.  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, it's awful. I haven't even felt like myself lately. It's like I'm in some kind of fog. I was in the drug store yesterday and someone said "nice weather." I drew a blank.  
  
ELAINE  
  
It was raining yesterday though.  
  
JERRY  
  
I know. They were joking. You know  
  
what I said?  
  
ELAINE  
  
What?  
  
JERRY  
  
Yeah! Yeah!  
  
ELAINE  
  
So what, I say yeah all the time.  
  
JERRY  
  
But you don't understand. You're  
  
not a comedian. This is my  
  
livelihood. Yeah! That's like  
  
something my uncle would say.  
  
ELAINE  
  
So what are you going to do?  
  
JERRY  
  
I don't know. I've got to get it  
  
back. I've been trying everything though; long showers, reading the dictionary. Anything to generate some kind of mental activity.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Well can't you just use your old  
  
material for a while?  
  
JERRY  
  
The Heil 5?  
  
ELAINE  
  
You'd better get to work.

JERRY

I can't, I've got to get ready for this wedding.

ELAINE

Alright. I've got to go too. I'm meeting The Dr. in front of his apartment in an hour.

JERRY

Hey, Elaine, wait. Who won the Mets game?

SCENE - GORMAN'S WEDDING  
  
JERRY  
  
What table you got?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Roger Maris.  
  
ESTELLE  
  
This is so exciting. Think of how nice it must be to have a normal son. To have grand children. Look at how happy they are Jerry. Why can't I be happy? Don't I deserve to be happy?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Hey, if you think I was gonna let you anywhere near those grandkids, you're crazy.  
  
ESTELLE  
  
Why? What's so wrong with me? What did I ever do to you?  
  
JERRY  
  
Fred and Ethel, please.  
  
KRAMER  
  
(From under the table). Psst. Jerry, George.  
  
JERRY  
  
Kramer? Where are you?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Down here. Under the table.  
  
GEORGE  
  
What are you doing down there?  
  
KRAMER  
  
I'm scared stiff. I can't move. My knees are all locked up, my hands are shaking. I'm frightened Jerry.  
  
JERRY  
  
Why? What's going on.  
  
KRAMER  
  
It's him (Points to Larry).  
  
JERRY  
  
Larry? Is that a neon tuxedo?  
  
KRAMER  
  
That's the guy who mugged me Jerry. That's the man who took my innocence.  
  
JERRY  
  
Mugged you? What are you talking about, when did you get mugged?  
  
KRAMER  
  
A couple of years ago in the park. Remember after the audition at NBC.  
  
I was running home. I was a little  
  
backed up.  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh yeah.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Yeah, Jerry. Yeah!  
  
JERRY  
  
(To George) Well, armed robbery. Think you can beat that?  
  
GEORGE  
  
He got me again! Hey, isn't that Sheila?  
  
JERRY  
  
Where?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Sitting on Larry's lap! I knew it. The lap sitter strikes again.  
  
KRAMER  
  
What's going on up there?  
  
JERRY  
  
Looks like he's getting a little fresh.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Aren't you going to do something?  
  
JERRY  
  
What? The guy's crazy. And look at all that cutlery around him. He mugged Kramer. Besides, the relationship is kind of dead.  
  
GEORGE  
  
But I thought you said things were going great. You were in 3rd gear, shifting into cruise.  
  
JERRY  
  
I lied!  
  
GEORGE  
  
Look at that. See, everyone's looking, but no one ever does anything. God forbid someone ever reaches out and helps someone.  
  
JERRY  
  
Yeah, but what are you gonna do?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Hey, I just got an idea. What if I go over there and say something to him in front of everyone. Then I'm the hero. That's got to be better than the loser, Jerry.  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, forget it. You're not going to do that.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Why? Why can't I do that?  
  
JERRY  
  
'Cause you never follow through. Remember that waiter who kept sticking his fingers in your soup? You gave him a bigger tip because you didn't want him to think you were angry.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Jerry, I'm serious. I don't know what it is, but I feel like right now, at this particular moment in time, at this particular place in the world, I am Batman. Kramer, how much money did he get from you?  
  
KRAMER  
  
I don't know, forty-dollars.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I'm going over there and getting forty-dollars.  
  
ELAINE  
  
George, this guy is dangerous. Here, I'll give you $40.  
  
GEORGE  
  
No, I have to do this. Batman, Jerry. Batman!  
  
(Walks over to Larry and Sheila)  
  
GEORGE  
  
So, you'll sit on his lap too?  
  
SHEILA  
  
Do I know you?  
  
GEORGE  
  
10th grade. Lincoln High. The year was 1977, you were in my biology class. You came and sat on my lap and then acted like nothing happened.  
  
SHEILA  
  
Nothing happened? Wait a second, I remember you. It moved!  
  
GEORGE  
  
You can't toy with people's...like that. What was I supposed to do? I didn't ask you to sit there. There was a perfectly good chair right beside me. I can still remember it. I was wearing corduroy pants!  
  
LARRY  
  
Is this guy bothering you?  
  
SHEILA  
  
Yes, he is.  
  
LARRY  
  
Get lost George.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Oh, I'll go. Right after you give me $40.  
  
LARRY  
  
$40. Why would I give you $40?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Four years ago you stole $40 from my friend. You mugged him in the park. I want it back.  
  
LARRY  
  
You do eh? Well why don't you come and get it?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well maybe I will.  
  
LARRY  
  
Well come on.

Enter Elaine and The Dr.

ELAINE  
  
What a nice centrepiece. Is that granite? Sorry we're late. What's going on?  
  
JERRY  
  
Nothing. George is about to get himself killed.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Hi Elaine.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Kramer?  
  
THE DR  
  
(Silent, looking straight at Jerry.)  
  
JERRY  
  
What happened to you?  
  
ELAINE  
  
The good Dr. got in a fight with our rickshaw driver.  
  
JERRY  
  
You took a rickshaw?  
  
ELAINE  
  
That's right. He likes the fresh air.  
  
(Jerry and The Dr. Are Staring Right At Each Other, Neither Speaking.)  
  
JERRY  
  
Hey. Le me ask you something. What is up with the no hello?  
  
THE DR  
  
Why should I say hello? I don't even know you. And I don't like you. I don't just walk around saying hello. I say hello to who I want, when I want.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well that's fine because I wasn't going to call you doctor anyway. In fact, I'm never going to call you Dr.  
  
THE DR  
  
I was trying to do you a favour. You're a comedian. You probably couldn't even remember my name.  
  
JERRY  
  
Yeah! Yeah! (Jerry is obviously upset that he can't think of a comeback. George and Larry begin to tussle. )  
  
ESTELLE  
  
George! What are you doing.  
  
(Estelle Gets Brushed Aside And Falls)  
  
ESTELLE  
  
My back!  
  
(Larry pushes George into the table under which Kramer has been hiding. Kramer has now partially emerged to watch the fight. As George is pushed into the table, the centerpiece becomes dislodged, hitting Kramer in the head and knocking him unconscious.)  
  
ELAINE  
  
Oh my God!  
  
JERRY  
  
Is anyone here a doc... (Jerry and THE DR. are staring at each other, but neither makes a move.)

THE END  
  
POST END  
  
(Kramer, the best man, is preparing to make his speech. It's obvious that he's a little woozy and shaky on his feet because of his bad knee and the bump on his head.)  
  
GORMAN  
  
My wife heard about my reputation for making bad speeches, so I promised her I'd keep this one short and sweet. Well, here it is. Suzy, honey, I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.  
  
ELAINE  
  
I think I'm gonna be sick.  
  
LARRY  
  
And now I'd like to call on the best man to make a toast.  
  
(Kramer rises to make his speech. He's wobbly and looking woozy because of the knock on his head. Everyone thinks he's drunk.)  
  
KRAMER  
  
Hi everybody. (Fumbles with microphone.)Yeah, my name is Cosmo Kramer and I've known Gorman for 25 years, so I think I can say this (Knocks over glass of water.) Oh, sorry.  
  
GROOM'S FATHER  
  
Is he drunk?  
  
JERRY  
  
This isn't going to be good.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well, yeah, I've known Gorman for all these years and...what was I going to say?  
  
GROOM'S FATHER  
  
He's drunk. Get him out of here.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Drunk. Ha! Look at this guy. Yeah! I think I can say this from the bottom of my heart that Betty, I think you could have done much, much...  
  
(Gorman kicks him in the back of the knee and Kramer falls under the table.)  
  
THE END


End file.
